Twilight
This page contains spoilers — Important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT Jacob rapes Bella's daughter! Bella almost dies but becomes a vampire and she lives happily ever after with Edward!!!!1
Twilight, along with its cash-cow sequels New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn are a four novel long, vampire romance series appealing to up-and-coming young women with shitty taste in literary fiction. Twilight is "written" by hack writer Stephenie Meyer, whose phenomenal success indicates to many that Americans have lost what little taste they ever had. Chock-full of two-dimensional characters and completely devoid of originality, it reads like a 12-year-old's fanfic of Anne Rice. Avoid reading it at all costs because the book is a waste of paper and trees.
The AuthorWhat My Chemical Romance is to Marilyn Manson, Stephenie Meyer is to Anne Rice.Stephenie Meyer graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelors Degree in English, receiving the best education you can get from a school which gives the Eucharist and the alcohol-free blood of Christ in the cafeteria (note the links at the bottom of the college's front page to The Church of Latter Day Saints and the Missionary Training Center). Looking at her writing abilities, apparently getting a Degree in English is about as hard as baptizing a dead person. Instead of teaching kids about compound sentences and verbs, she decided to write a book. Why write in first person? It's because the entire series is actually a fantasy that the author had. She wishes she could be Bella, and decided that she could profit from the fantasy. The idea for Twilight came in a dream she had about a sparkling vampire in a meadow blabbering on about how hesitant he is to love a mortal. Three months later, Twilight was written and on its way to super stardom.
“I wrote the book for myself.
—Stephenie talks about her self-insert dreams.
“All I can guess is that when I write, I forget that it's is not real.„
—Stephenie, on her wet dreams.
After being hailed as the next J. K. Rowling by Time Magazine, Stephenie suffers from a severe case of unwarranted self-importance. Meyer goes so far as to actually brag about how easy it was for her to become an immediate success with all the little 12 year old girls and stupid fucks out there buying her shit. A side note: all of Meyer's photos try to hide how overweight she actually is. Maybe if she spent some time jazzercising and less time writing vampire fanfiction, her husband would actually touch her and she wouldn't have to dream about Edward fucking Bella all day long. Her husband probably just fucks the other two wives he's married to and Meyer is just there to make money.
It should also be noted that Meyer's taste in music is complete shit, as explained by the fact that she said Linkin Park and My Chemical Romance were inspirations for her as she wrote the series. (Here and here, respectively). This explains why so much of the books is spent with the characters angsting about trivial shit, and proves once and for all that if you read Twilight, you are an emo.
Stephen King is Not Amused by Your FaggotryTo further pour salt on the wounds of Twilight fangirls unable to accept the fact that their beloved series is the literary equivalent of a four-year-old's crayon scribblings, Stephen King came out in early 2009 and expressed his distaste for the series' author:
“...Stephenie Meyer can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good.„
—Stephen King, telling it like it isThis lulzy and undeniably true quote came by way of an interview that King gave to the US Weekend magazine in late January. The interview covered numerous topics, and eventually found its way to Harry Potter and Twilight. King admitted that while both series are fantasy novels aimed at prepubescent girls, the difference was that J.K. Rowling is actually a competent writer, whereas Stephanie Meyer is an untalented whore. The quote:
“ Both Rowling and Meyer, they’re speaking directly to young people. ... The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good.„
—LOLNaturally, being averse to all forms of logic, truth, and good taste, this statement enraged the armies of Twilight fans around the internet, creating all sorts of delicious drama and fangirl tears.
On March 6th, USA Weekend put up a poll on their site in response to the internet shitstorm that came about as a result of their interview with Stephen King to find out which author of the three (King, Rowling and Meyer) truly was the best. Here's the Poll. As of now King is dominating the poles with over 60% of the vote, Rowling holds at least 25% leaving Stephenie Meyer, who supposedly was the newest thing and was leaving old authors like King in the dust, with only 15%. Some argue that this is because King is a halfway decent writer and Meyer is a blabbering dipshit.
The CharactersBella The dullest, whiniest, and most weak-willed bitch of a main character you'll ever find
outside of online fanfiction. If the name didn't give it away already, she's nothing but a self-insertion for the author, Stephenie. The name "Bella" is actually Italian for "beautiful", so her name actually means "beautiful swan". Like oh-so-many protagonists for romance novels, she's the "average, ordinary, everyday girl" archetype, and constantly gets into life-endangering situations from which she cannot herself escape, thus becoming a damsel in distress. In an attempt to not make her absolutely perfect, the author gave her a fault of being really, ridiculously clumsy, which the Mary Sue article will tell you is not an actual fault. If you have any doubt about Bella being a Sue, just read this description of Bella from Meyer herself, which goes so far as to describe the shape of her mouth and once again testifying to her fail.
Edward The vampire of Bella's affection, he is at least a hundred years old and is a vegetarian vampire and a good guy since he abstains from eating humans, but pet owners watch out! He could be eating your cat as you are reading this! There is no moment where he isn't in complete control of Bella. When it comes to her, he is unyielding and possessive and not hesitant to have a bite of anyone else who considers doing her, including Jacob Black. What fans of Twilight seemingly fail to realize is that such qualities (overbearing possessiveness, watching Bella while she sleeps and so on) are more often found in sex offenders than the perfect man. Such things can apparently be ignored/forgiven when love is supposedly involved. Edward can also read people's minds, a skill he frequently uses to cheat on game shows. However, he can't read Bella's mind, because she is special and unique like a pretty snowflake. However, it is revealed in Breaking Dawn that Edward can't read Bella's mind because, in all actuality, she has no brain waves and/or thoughts. Yeah, she's that kind of special.
Twilight:The first book in this train wreck. Bella Swan moves to a redneck logging town in Washington called Forks, and meets a vampire named Edward Cullen. Somehow Edward finds Bella's incessant bitching and moaning attractive, so they fall in love. After pages of nauseating flirting and Edward's family somehow enjoying their secret vampire identities being in jeopardy, a plot finally falls from the sky; a group of hobo vampires show up and want to suck Bella dry. The leader, James, is especially attracted to Bella, and wants to eat her.
